So my holiday to Cambodia has been cancelled. Naturally I threw a massive tantrum.  There were floods of tears, numerous calls to my friends, claims that my life was over, what’s the point of me doing anything, everybody and everything hated me.

I know, to a normal person all of that behaviour seems completely irrational and ridiculous, particularly when put in context of whatever else is happening in the world; and I don’t just mean Covid-19, but every other famine, war, disaster, etc.  Believe me, when I’m rational I can see the irrationality of my own behaviour.  Here’s the thing though – when something bad or sad or generally unwelcome happens to you – pretty much all of us think it’s the worst thing ever.  That’s one.  Two.  When your brain is suffering from a chemical imbalance – as the good doctors sometime refer to depression or other mental illnesses – well that adds a whole different spin on things.  It adds a level of complexity and irrationality that cannot be easily contained.  Truth is, when things don’t go well, for someone like me this could be the slip on a stairwell back to the dark abyss of depression, an abyss that has smooth slippery walls and can at times feel impossible to get out of.  You can’t find the steps back to the light, people are throwing you rope but you can’t reach it or even if you do, you don’t believe that it’s strong enough to haul you back out into the light.  That no advice is ever good enough, no reason makes sense, nothing can make things better.  There is simply no talking to someone like me when my head is in that spin. 

I often refer to my depression as a monster, a dragon that I’ve managed to sing into sleep, and I keep it snoozing by humming a gentle lullaby of confidence exercises, reminding myself of the good things in my life, repeating the 5 things that went well today, focusing on the next goal I’m trying to achieve, reminding myself that I do have friends and family who love me.  But the dragon is not dead, it’s not vanquished – it’s just sleeping.  Every now and then it stirs lightly, reminding me that it’s not gone away, it’s always with me and always will be.  My ever present companion, resting in the shadows, just waiting for a chance to roar its ugly head again.  I am constantly aware of it, and particularly so when I thrown a tantrum for ‘an obvious’ no reason. 

When earlier in the year my holiday to China was cancelled, my reaction was far more muted and rational.  I thought about my options for a grand total of 5 minutes before calling back the travel agent and switching things up.  

Clearly by the time August came however, being stuck at home for so long in the same four walls, limited to whom I could see (if anyone), with my life which has been on pause for so long because of my fears and mental health, having being paused once again just as I was beginning to ‘live’ – well I couldn’t take it.  The dragon stirred and blinked.  I spent the better part of a week in floods of tears, suffering massive anxiety attacks in the darkness of the night.  Let me tell you, it wasn’t fun; and I think it was only the fear of slipping back into the dark or remembering what I was like at my worse that gave me the strength to pull myself together.

With the cancellation of the holiday, came realisation that there was no longer a need for me to exercise – cycling, HIIT sessions or otherwise.  I think I’ve grown used to the exercise, whilst I can’t admit to looking forward to it, it was a goal, an adventure and most likely a way to keep me sane. 

I have made a decision though.  The blog may have started as a record of my Cycle Training preparation; but who is to say that I can’t switch tactics and use it as my blog of simply doing exercise and getting fit.  I still have a weight goal to reach.  Plus, when the world gets back to something more normal than it is right now, I’m still going to go on that cycling holiday.  Just perhaps a little bit later.

So dear reader, if you’re interested in my random ramblings about exercise, cycling and pinch of dealing with depression…… well, I’ll see you here again, soon.

For now, I found a new Chinese Drama on Amazon Prime to watch.   Bye, 再见