One from 4th of March
So last time I wrote an entry I was happy – top of the world. This time – putting my rational head on – I should have no reason to be anything other than happy, either. From the fitness and weight perspective I’m heading in the desired direction. Here’s the thing though – I’m not.
I feel like I’ve come down from a massive high and suffering painful withdrawal symptoms that I can’t control. I’ve had a look at my back entries, and it seems to be a recurring theme recently. I’ve spent most of today wallowing in self-pity, for no particular reason.
The other day, had an appointment with my Life Insurance company, as I need to get my insurance set up – among the many questions asked, were the following:
Adviser: Do you suffer from any mental disability, e.g. depression, anxiety, etc.
Me: Answer – Yes. (easy, I’m brave enough to admit that, now)
Advisor: Ok, so I’m going to have to ask you some follow up questions to that.
Me: Fair enough
Advisor: Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? When was the last time? And how often do you get these thoughts/feelings?
Me: …………… silence…………….
WTF! I mean, I’ve just told you I suffer from depression and you ask me what has got to be one of the dumbest questions ever. How exactly do you expect me to answer that?!
Clearly people who put together these questions have no first hand experience of dealing with mental cases like me.
Of course I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I have suicidal thoughts almost as regularly as I have breakfast (which just so happens isn’t every day, but often enough). Doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything about! There’s also a huge difference between suicidal thoughts when your head is in a good space and I realise it’s just a little blip, something that randomly pops into your head because you’ve had a shitty day; versus those dreadful feelings that have you almost reaching for that bottle of pills, or contemplating that bridge in order to end the pain.
I mean really. It took me a better part of 10 minutes to collect myself, before I could proceed to explain to the girl on the end of the phone, what was going through my head, honestly enough to ensure I get the right cover, but not end up with a massive monthly premium, because the insurer anticipates that I might top myself at any moment. I have no intention, desire or feelings geared towards that – at this moment in time. Despite the few recent wobbles.
I guess that doesn’t take away from my feelings today. Helpless, pathetic, crying. I’ve ended up with one of those days were I sat on the sofa doing nothing – and I do mean literally nothing, just sat. That’s not usually me – usually I have about 10 things on the go, watching TV, learning Chinese, whilst either crafting or painting or cooking. I rarely sit doing nothing. Today was a nothing day – a nothing day, like I’ve not had for a while. Once again, I’m going to blame it on the current pandemic.
So here it is – here is my crash, bang, wallop day. Lets hope it’s the last in the current series.