One from 21st of March 2021

I mentioned in the last entry about not being entirely happy, despite having a lovely afternoon walking around the park, doing a HIIT session the other day, and ticking off half a dozen tasks on my personal to-do-list.

 As I steered myself towards the exit from Battersea Park on Saturday, once again my mind began to wonder towards the dark side.  I can’t remember the specifics of what I was thinking off, bringing tears to my eyes, which I had to fight really hard to stop from flowing – walking as I was in full view of other park visitors. 

By the time I reached the exit of the park and stepped onto the bridge the thought of “I can’t wait for it to be over” entered my head several times.  There’s a weird oxymoron in there – seeing as I’m actually afraid of death and if it was up to me, I would live forever; and yet a part of me is looking forward to the end, because it means no more pain, tears, fear, anxiety.  It’s exhausting having to deal with my head on daily basis. 

The sleeping monster inside my head is stirring, and indeed has stirred a quite a few times recently.  I’m not sure whether to be worried about it or not.   I’m not about to go and do something stupid – I’m currently fully compos mentis, but the number of times I’ve been losing it recently is a tad bothersome.  The currently rational side of me realises how quickly things can spin out of control, and worries that if or when they do, this time round I may not be able to retain grip on sensibility.

I’m going to apportion the recent episodes down to the current situation.  FFS we’ve been stuck in this ‘alternate’ reality for over 12 months now, that’s enough to drive the sanest of people insane. Over the course of that time I’ve seen my friends a grand total of 4 times, half of my family twice, and the other half I haven’t seen for 18 months.  I mean that’s enough to tip the strongest and sanest of people over the edge, let alone someone like me who already struggles with their mental stability.  There have been moments over the last 12 months when I haven’t spoken to another human being for days on end.  Whilst for the most part I like my own company and I’m not always a talker, that doesn’t mean that I like being completely alone.  I like sitting in comfortable silence with someone – and right now I don’t even get that.  I suspect it’s only ‘natural’ that I’d start to lose it under the circumstances.  There’s only so much of this shit one can take.  And breathing……….before I get myself riled up again.

And counting down the days to April 12……..23 days to go.  Can’t come fast enough.

How did this blog transform from being about Training Prep for a Cycling holiday >> to >> covering my goals of getting fit and healthy >> to >> dealing with my mental health state. 

Perhaps that’s it though – perhaps it has always about the state of my head, whatever the title I gave the this blog and the posts in the first place.  I mean, for a fairly introverted person, conscious of my privacy, I’m providing quite an expose of what’s inside my head to a whole bunch of strangers.

Suspect – it’s a coping mechanism.  At least I have a coping mechanism – now.  Few years ago I wouldn’t admit to myself I have a problem, let alone to anyone else.  I’d keep my feelings and moods bottled up, instead regularly cry myself to sleep.  Each to their own though – as I keep saying.  I use this blog, where others use TikTok, Instagram, therapists; and yet there will still be those who try and cope on their own.

 I made it out of the park and out of the doldrums, by putting myself back in a happy box. (?)

Yes a happy box.  It’s a tool, a technique – a very simple one involving 2 things: one creating a shape of a box with my hands, and two, telling myself to ‘get back in the box’.  The box is a happy place, a positive place where I am in control of what I think, feel and imagine. 

Right, that’s it for today.  I need to get back to writing about Getting Fit & Healthy, that’s what is supposed to be about.  Today though, I just wanted to share my head-space, again.  Hopefully it’ll entertain you if you’re a casual reader, or help you to realise that you’re not alone – if your head is a little bit messed up like mine.  It’s ok.  As they say – you’re not alone, you’re really not. 

Till next time.