Hate To Exercise

Sometime in November 2022

It’s been rough few days – a rough month of weeks really.

I think when I started with the interlude on the Sleeping Dragon, I was already spiralling out of control and everything was heading towards the Meltdown night. Of course, at the time I couldn’t see it, I suspected it I guess, but I couldn’t see how bad it would get.

It took me better part of 3 days to get over the meltdown. Both physically and mentally. You may find it strange, – it certainly used to surprise me – but an episode like that doesn’t just take it out of me mentally, it wipes me out physically too. Today is in fact day 4 post episode and I’m still feeling tired. The morning after though, I could barely get out of bed, and it was a working day. My girlfriends chattered away happily on our group chat and I didn’t engage with them once.

But, I’ve come out on the other side, and in one piece.

I have found the back door to my happy box too, which I now have to guard, and ensure I never close that back door, because if I do……. I guess doesn’t bear thinking about it, does it. It wasn’t easy finding that opening, as it was my actions the other day that closed it. Everything that was concerned with that safe space, the space that was my go to place to keep me in check, everything got thrown out – and I mean both physically and metaphorically. Whilst it may sound strange, throwing things out metaphorically out from your mind etc, can be just as harrowing as physically, and getting them back – well, I actually think sometime it can be harder than getting back physical possessions.

God, what a difference in a thought process, when things are settled, calm and rational, versus the last few days. It does make me wonder – how can these 2 people actually be one.

All better now.

Let’s get back to exercise.

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Interlude I – wow, what a drama queen

Interlude II – and it just get more ridiculous

Interlude III – yep, some more

Meltdown – now this wasn’t so great

November 24, 2021

Suddenly the last few Interlude entries I made – make much more sense to me.

Had a total meltdown last night. Once again I don’t know what it was

That’s a lie, I know exactly what triggered it – and if you recall my notes in the past about My Box – the space that keeps me sane, helps me survive….. Well, I slammed the door on that box, shut the lid, and beat a few nails for good measure.

Big mistake! But I know exactly what triggered it. It’s the same thing I mentioned previously – the thing that can make me so happy, so very happy and yet in the same breath, completely obliterate my happiness and reduce me to a complete mess.

What followed were several hours of tears.

Deleting all my social accounts.

More tears

Crumpled on a living room floor in a heap.

Major wardrobe clear out – i.e. grab everything in my wardrobe and throw it in a bin bag, literally,

More tears.

Delete button !!!!!!!!!!!!! That one was bad – once you delete those photos, there’s no getting them back

Followed of course, by more tears.

Once I’ve calmed down – which was more like the next day.

Some of the social apps were reinstated; fished out the clothes from the bin-bags; and proceeded to find a way to reinstate some of the photos I deleted, unfortunately not all.

I mean, I’m shaking my head at myself now, when I write this, several days after, as I feel able to.

But believe you me – it wasn’t fun at the time. It felt very real. Very scary from a certain point of view!

And very lonely.

Interlude – The Conclusion

Meldown