Another one I wrote back in June – 21st of June 2022 to be exact

Right.  If you’ve been here for a while – you already know that I’m emotionally unstable.  Believe me, I question that myself constantly.  Am I making it up?  Am I attention seeking?  Am I just being stupid?  Have I watched too many movies? 

Something I wanted to address here, which I have before, but there are new people around so….   

I now write these little blogs – addressed to those who read them – sometimes, mostly these are still just for me.  

When I started this ‘diary’, there was nobody here.  Just me.  And that was fine.  I never started out with intention of getting readers.  But I did get them.  I’m grateful.  As promised, one day – I will own up to the reason why I’m writing something this personal (if a little unhinged), on such a public platform.  Particularly for someone like, that actually isn’t that open. But, that’s for another day.  

These little blogs are still meant just for me.  It’s why they evolved from a little cycling training diary for a holiday, through trying to live healthy and lose weight, to what they’re becoming now – a much truer picture of myself, warts and all, and by that I mean, the state of my head.  Do I worry about sharing so much information out there.  Yes I do.  Does it bother me?  Yes it does.   And yet at the same time I feel like, if my little ramblings can help someone to understand what it’s like to live with someone like me, or live LIKE someone like me, then that’s not a bad thing.   Plus also, they give me a little purpose.  

There is a lot of stigma associated with Mental Health, and I will admit to having unflattering views and opinions on the subject myself until recently.  The funny thing is – not when it concerns someone else.  Only when it concerns me.  Weird eh?.  But we always think of ourselves in different light than those around us.  

Anyway, as I just posted another diary entry – – – one, it dawned on me, that there you have this perfectly sane written entry, on a day that’s clearly not so sane, if you read between the lines. And I thought, someone reading this might think – well exactly what I wrote in the questions above, and how is that possible? 

Well here’s a thing.  If you’ve been here for a while – 1) you will know that I’ve had some very public breakdowns in the last few months.  2) sometimes the entries aren’t written on the day, they are written few days after, once I’m feeling better and able to function as a human being again; 3) and sometime they are written on the day, as shitty as I feel at the time, because it is about the only thing I can muster myself to do.  And sometimes, I just don’t know.  I have no answer.  It just happens.  

Does it sound like I’m explaining or justifying myself.  Perhaps I am.  But, you know what, my diary, my blog, my decisions, so ……  

On the point of questioning myself – I’ve also had plenty of people, including my friends question whether I’m just making things up, whether it’s just because of this or the other in my life, and if I fix it – everything will be ok.  Well, perhaps they are right.  But guess what, I have fixed some things in my life, and I still frequently feel like I did back in December ’21 and ask the same questions.  One of my friends pointed out that I can’t be that ‘unstable’ (still skirting around the wording!!!), because I get out of bed each morning and function.  Whereas when her mother was going through depression, she could barely get out of bed. 

Let me tell you something – I’m someone referred you could refer to High Functioning depressive (not sure of correct medical terminology).   

I function because I have no FKing choice in the matter, otherwise everything around me will collapse and I’ve seen that happen to too many people around me for different reasons. I refuse to do that.  That doesn’t mean that my head is screwed on properly, and that I don’t have days that I just don’t want to ANYTHING.  Not, not to do anything – just ANYTHING.  I’ve deliberately made myself go away for the Jubilee Weekend celebrations (if you’re outside of UK – it’s a Royalty thing), because I knew if I’d stayed at home for 5 days straight, I’d be driving myself FKing crazy by the end of it.  It would be the same as May Bank Holiday – feeling miserable, and just wanting to hide away from the world, being inundated with increasingly serious, unhappy and quite frankly dangerous thoughts.  

So yes, I can get out of bed in the morning, smile, go to work, pay my bills, function.  But my head is so far from being straight on, you can barely comprehend.  

On the flip side of all of it – if you remember my November/December episode – well, I scared the shit out of myself with that and the aftermath of it, and guess what – finally, FINALLY got myself into THERAPY.  With a real Therapist and all.  

Sorry, have to digress for a momet, but the word therapist just made me thinkg of something.  My friend is reading a book called The Therapist.  When I first saw the cover, all I saw was The Rapist because of how the letters were put together.  She corrected me, when I saw the second The.  But I had a thought about it since – the reason Therapist is Therapist – pull it apart and you get The rapist. Sometimes I feel like that’s exactly what’s happening when I’m in those sessions.  I hate it, and yet strangely enjoy it. The sessions I mean – not the nasty connotation.  It is an invasive process.  But bless her, I don’t think my therapist realised how screwed up I was in the first few sessions – those being focused on less, how should I put it, less harmful to myself trains of thoughts.  When we got to the breakdown bit and my thought process – I think she finally got it.   

Seriously, how do people like me function though?  I wonder about it myself all the time.  It’s exhausting.  One minute I’m on top of the world – the next, I just want to disappear, literally.   There is very rarely an in-between.  

Right, cleared that up then, didn’t I.  

Bye.  See you again.  Hopefully.  And if not, huh….