Meldown

November 24, 2021

Suddenly the last few Interlude entries I made – make much more sense to me.

Had a total meltdown last night.  Once again I don’t know what it was

That’s a lie, I know exactly what triggered it – and if you recall my notes in the past about My Box – the space that keeps me sane, helps me survive….. Well, I slammed the door on that box, shut the lid, and beat a few nails for good measure.

Big mistake!  But I know exactly what triggered it.  It’s the same thing I mentioned previously – the thing that can make me so happy, so very happy and yet in the same breath, completely obliterate my happiness and reduce me to a complete mess. 

What followed were several hours of tears.

Deleting all my social accounts.

More tears

Crumpled on a living room floor in a heap.

Major wardrobe clear out  – i.e. grab everything in my wardrobe and throw it in a bin bag, literally,

More tears.

Delete button !!!!!!!!!!!!! That one was bad – once you delete those photos, there’s no getting them back

Followed of course, by more tears.

Once I’ve calmed down – which was more like the next day.

Some of the social apps were reinstated; fished out the clothes from the bin-bags; and proceeded to find a way to reinstate some of the photos I deleted, unfortunately not all.

I mean, I’m shaking my head at myself now, when I write this, several days after, as I feel able to.

But believe you me – it wasn’t fun at the time. It felt very real. Very scary from a certain point of view!

And very lonely.