Interlude ii

If you’re wondering what this entry is all about – you may want to read the previous entry, and eveeeerything will become clear.

Feeling like you want to end it all when drunk – not great!

Pleased to see though, my ability to touch-type didn’t leave me, until by the looks of it, the very last few lines.   Seriously though, what the hell was I thinking……..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~’

I know it’s stupid.  I’m sitting here at 2am crying my eyes out.  Seemingly happy for having friends over and having had a good night out

And yet

If there’s ever been a time

When I could just end it all

Now would be it

How stupid is that

Seemingly there is nothing wrong

And it would be stupid

Then why do I feel like now is the time that it woul matter t least or the most

Now is the time it would hurt the least

What is it about now, that makes me feel this way

Alcohol of course doesn’t hurt

2am in the mornin doesn’t eatierh\Tears don\\’t eiterher

Why do we feel that way sometimes

Why is t that one mnute we can be on the top fo the world

And he next we’re contemplating what it would be like to just not be here\even thogh everything seems fne and happy

Whati is itw

What made me flipt this switch tionight from feeling happy, and loved, and settles\to now crying my eyes out and thinking I’ve had enough

See, I’m not fine\wahateve I said in last post

Clearly I’m not fine

Otherwse  wouldn’t be sayng all this

And yes

I know it’s 2am

And yes I know I’ve had too much too drink

And no , I’m not going to crrect mys pelling istakes in the omorning   (ok, at this point, must been really crying and not able to see anything, hence the typos)

\i’m jjust going to say it as it is

Even thoough I don’t know why\or do it=

Or don’t i\what is it\\why \wyhy now\my head hurs\ts

It’ss pinning\i s it better to write than do something\is that’ what it s like e for people  who actually lose it

Like you’re fine one minute

And now\now yout think\now you thinkingall sorts ofs hist for no reason\oow can you behappy and yet at the same time think –  I want it itl all to be over

Ok been crying for aobut 10 minutes nw

Thinl I’ve calm down

I can see the screen again and be a bit more sensible   (screen?  Was the TV on?!!! I do not remember that)

But

I’m not going to correct my mistakes

Or alter this  entry

For a change, I will paste it from one note to onlin exactly as it is

That\s what I felt like few minutes ago

I went from being really happy

To a moment when I just wanted t all to e over

I don’t know why

I don’t know how

Why?

That is what worries me

That is why the last post was about this

I know this meant to be about exericising

But as I said

This blog, dary thing, move on from enry of how to exerics e fo holidays to – diary of a stuipdi depressive person

And that’s what we feel like

That’s what I feel like

Is that the most honest I’ve been with the world

Ever

????

What next

Sleep I think

Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning

Otherwise

Otherwise, it’s contermplating the unthinkcable

Why am I thinking about it about though

?

Me

People who read this

Me

Me

 me

Me\ me

Me

Me

Me

Me

What s going on

No mre tears

I had enough ters tongth already

I thin if I cry again

That will e the end of me

How can I be so rational abou tit

I don\t get it

 hw can iwritea oubt it

I’m losing it aren’t I

I mean – why would I otherwse write about this to strangers

This is all just great big fucking bullshit

That’s’ what it is

That’s what all it is

That’s my me is

All of it

I’m a fraud

I’m an idiot

I’m bullst=it

 ignore it

Ingroe it

Ingroe it

………………………

Ff

You know when you’re clear in your head but your not

That\s wher I am

I know what it isi

Why is it that loves is the most imporant thing in our lives

 regarless of everythin else we have

Reaglredless of the shit we see around around us

The ungappines\the heartbreak\ when it comes down to it

It’s always about the one thing\the thing wit someone else

Bein able to shar ethe life with soeone else

Hagettting a hug

Shsarin a laugh

Not being alonge

 ths sucks

That’ suck

I know I’m beng stupid

Soooo so stupid

So irrational

So iarrational

 the whole fucking thing is rididculous

The rational side of me knows it

But the side of me now that crying my eyes out

Doesn’t  give a fck

K

K

Kkk

O ate this

I chate this ooo much

Much what srong with me

This is why I want it all to e b eover just over

 o dpm\t tjoml o cam tal,jc ,pre

Wow – how drunk, was I at that point?