“Yes, I understand your state of mind at that time… but you’ll drive yourself mad like that, upon my word! You’ll lose your head!” Crime And Punishment, F. Dostoyevski
No cycling today – but that’s ok – I used a bike yesterday to get around town, and run all the chores I had to, for me and my mum
I’m sitting here, on a sofa – at 10:40pm – which is way early for my bed-time hence not contemplating going to sleep. My head is in my hands, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
That’s not a new phenomenon – for someone like me, suffering from bouts of depression – that feeling of restlessness, hopelessness and not knowing what to do isn’t unusual. However, at the moment those feelings are not driven by my usual mental state (or maybe they are), but by the current situation in the world. There’s only so much of sitting at home, not being around people I can do – and I think I’m starting to reach my limit – and this despite the fact that I do get to get out and exercise (Cycle), and pop-out to shops for food.
But I have so much time on my hands now – with work having slowed down, not spending hours a week commuting, not spending weekends out with friends, travelling or out and about taking pics, visiting museums, etc – that I don’t know what to do with it anymore. And this despite the fact that I have a long list of hobbies, which I utilise to the max to fill my time.
Yes, there is the Netflix binge-watch marathon of whatever box-sets appeal, but there’s also practicing piano, watercolour and acrylic painting, glass painting, crochet of all sorts and kinds other needlecraft, usual house cleaning and small improvements, blogging (this), catching up with friends on Whatsapp, learning Chinese on Duolingo, tending to my little group of house-plants (I don’t know what I’d do without them now – I miss having a garden so much).
And yet, I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s a mental state. This weird world we live in is getting to me. It’s all too strange, to weird, too wrong.
Hate To Exercise 